Second Guessing

I'm at work today and my mind keeps going back to my decision to not go for the interview that I was offered. Why did I do that? Was I just scared? Or is it something deeper than that?

I honestly feel like this goes a lot deeper for me. I've been working on my PhD for six years. I probably went through a crisis of faith once a year or so, and was on the verge of quitting each and every time. Why I did not just quit I'm still not sure, but I had spent much of my 20s starting things and quitting them that I was determined to see something through. Plus my now-ex-partner had pushed me to finish and I, not really trusting in my own judgement for some reason, thought maybe ze was right. I have since gotten a bit more spine (and righteous indignation) to demand that my life make sense and not be lived at the mercy of a sadistic system or what others think I "should" be doing.

So where am I now? I have a PhD, and my soul is pretty much a crumpled mess that I barely recognize anymore. Part of this is probably where I went to school. Prestigious U. is not a warm and fuzzy place. People take themselves very seriously, as if their "research" were more than just the CV lines they needed to get tenure and promotion. And I'm sure for some of them it is more, but just because you're contributing to knowledge does not mean you have to have absolutely no capacity for joy or kindness to others. When you're in a job/career path that makes you cry in front of your superiors on a somewhat regular basis, maybe you're on the wrong path?

Long story short, I'm angry. I'm angry that I've given over so many years of my life to something that has given me so little back. I'm angry that now that I've pushed my rock uphill all these years I have to push another rock called "job search in horrific market." I'm angry that I don't get to choose anything, like where I live (that's a big one for me as a 30-something single).

So anyway, even though I have pangs about turning down a chance to interview for a tenure-track job and wonder if I'll ever regret it, it just felt SO damn good to say "no thanks." And sometimes my heart needs to override my brain on these kinds of issues. Not sure what this means for the future or if this is "sensible" but I've been oh-so-sensible for so many years, and where has that gotten me? Miserable. Time to do something different.